i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
