Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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