The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
