I think I won the penis lottery.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
