apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
