You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
