The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
