I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
