hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
These tits shall not be calmed
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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