i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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