so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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