i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
