i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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