Don't you send me to vm
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Can I color on your dick again?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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