That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
