about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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