Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
