I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
