I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
