No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize