I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
