Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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