i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just invented taco cereal.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
