fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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