I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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