i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
