I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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