This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
