I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
