Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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