True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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