What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize