First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
