if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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