His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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