I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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