He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
