apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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