I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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