i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
