I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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