I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
