He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
