sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
