i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
