My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
