she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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