Moan for me like Helen Keller
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
