Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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