I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
not ubering you a puppy
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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