you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize