we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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