I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
