my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
