Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
