all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize