i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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